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Watching The River of Selfing

movies-interiorThe Unfindable Inquiry (UI) is a useful, powerful tool that leads one to the discovery that the self is not an image, not a word or a thought, not a sensation. If you’re convinced that there is a deficient (or exalted) self in there somewhere running the show, consider a session with one of Scott Kiloby’s Living Inquiries facilitators. Any one of them can help you look for this mythical creature. “Is that it?” is the question. “No, it can’t be. I can’t find it,” is the usual response. Oh, what a relief it is!

If that dogged sense of self persists, consider this: The self is not an “it,” not a “thing” to be found. It’s an activity. An activity isn’t found, it’s observed. This pesky sense of self is not a noun; it’s a verb. Read more

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On Meaninglessness

The Scream ~ Edvard Munch

We don’t cause the planets to spin, our hearts to beat, don’t plan our time of death, or know what the weather will be for certain on any given day—yet still there is this feeling that what we do matters, has an impact, actually changes things. At the very least we can change our circumstances, or the circumstances of others, right? Sometimes it appears that we can, and very often it appears that whatever is going to happen will happen regardless, or in spite of, our best efforts. Does the fact that it appears we can make some things happen, but are utterly ineffectual in so many other situations, mean that we have some control over our lives? Or does it simply mean that we are in alignment (pleased) with some of what happens but not all of it? Do we take credit for that which occurs, that we wanted to happen and worked for, and then become mystified and blame others, or God, when the same degree of desire and effort comes to naught? Is it “even a blind pig picks up an acorn from time to time,” or “Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit?” Is an answer or a certainty required in regard to who or what is in charge, or do we simply live as we do without knowing the answer but behaving as if we are in charge any way?

Does the idea that all happens in its own way and in its own time and no amount of effort or belief changes that in any way; that this or that happens without regard to the personal, without any apparent cause and effect, suggest meaninglessness?

If cause and effect, and time & space are purely conceptual, if the world as we know it is ultimately impersonal, and thus nothing benefits or hinders any-one, anywhere, there are some who would conclude that life is essentially meaningless.

If there is nothing you or any other individual can do to change the course of nature, or life itself, is there a connotation of “why bother?” or an aggravating insistence that of course there is something you or I can do? Will either a laissez faire attitude or redoubled efforts change anything?

Meaning is unavoidably personal. Our idea of ourselves, our persona, comes from the conceptual, from the mind. Only the mind would come up with the idea of meaninglessness, because it is the mind’s job, it’s raison d’etre, to confer meaning. Mind is the activity of bestowing meaning, which arises simultaneously with judgment. Meaning and judgment are inextricably linked. This is how we create the self, the personal out of the impersonal. This is how we seem to be separate and divided.

In the Unfindable Inquiries, we discover over and over again that no deficient self exists, until ultimately no self at all, and no other, can be found anywhere. Yet the idea that there is someone here who can make something happen, or keep something from happening, persists regardless of all the evidence to the contrary. We think, “Maybe I should try the UI,” for instance. And since I had that thought, obviously I can choose—to improve, to fix, to try something new. Looking into all the circumstances that led to that thought, and what happens between the thought and actually making the appointment, it can be seen that the “do or the do not” is a matter of incalculable influences, circumstances and happenings over which we have no control—including the response, emotional or intellectual, that arises right now to this idea.

So, is life meaningless? From the perspective of the individual, only if circumstances can be altered (usually for the better) by our actions, or a reason is given for an occurrence, or a purpose is found for our existence. From the broadest perspective, beyond “me” and any sense of personal agency, life is unfathomable, to use a word. The very concept of meaning becomes meaningless, irrelevant, once the concept of the individual self is seen through, once the mind and the body are returned to their proper places, as servants to the Kingdom that is this life force. That is the origin of the word “purpose;” to put in place—in this case, from master to servant. The world as we understand it from this little head could be said to be meaningless, but it is the very same little head that attempted to give it meaning in the first place.

To search for meaning is human, a very deep yearning that propels us…where? Keep looking until there is no meaning to be found, for you. See the indescribable as it is revealed beyond words, beyond the personal. Perhaps you will be relieved of the interminable burden of seeking for meaning in a meaningless world. Keep looking until “The undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns,” is found.

“I have given everything I see all the meaning that it has for me.” ~ A Course in Miracles

If meaning is self-generated, where do you go to find it? And why for so long, and so far?

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Beyond Compulsion

I don’t know what is true. I can only describe what the experience is from here. All the following sentences should begin with, “It seems as if,” simply to get the what-is-true thing off the table.

There is this inquiry we’re calling the Compulsion inquiry (CI). Since undergoing and working on this inquiry with Scott Kiloby, there have been significant perceptual, physiological, behavioral, and psychological shifts.

Perceptually, there is more beauty in this world than ever realized. I seem to want to take a picture, or simply stare at, everything. It’s all intricate, fascinating, perfectly stunning. Even pond scum warranted a few moments of amazed appreciation. Can’t seem to find an ugly or a plain face.

Physiologically, tension seems a curious memory. A jaw that felt clenched for millennia has to be grasped with the hand to make sure it’s really there. I must say though, these contractions had to be felt, or brought to the fore, before relaxing. So a kind of tightness was experienced first, more than once, in places I had never thought about much.

Behaviorally, I still smoke an occasional cigarette, but the need, the frantic puffing and sucking is absent. If there are no cigarettes around, there’s about as much hurry to go buy more as I would hurry to buy bananas. I like bananas, but running out of them is not a problem. As a matter of fact, I saw that there were 2 cigarettes left in a pack sticking out of my purse as I was driving yesterday. I passed umpteen gas stations during that drive, and never stopped to buy another pack. I just enjoyed the drive, windows open to this glorious fall day. Perhaps only a fellow smoker would understand that kind of nonchalance in regard to cigarettes.

A couple of times recently, I made myself a drink—but then never drank the thing. When I walked passed the full glass wherever I had left it later, I ended up pouring it down the sink. That’s not to say I won’t ever drink. It’s just that the making-but-not-drinking is a peculiar thing to report. And I have ordered one at a restaurant, yet felt no compulsion to drink it. And curiouser and curiouser–I eat when hungry, and don’t have to finish what is in front of me. Snacking doesn’t happen, seemingly because there’s no edge, no gnawing need for more or something else.

Psychologically, up until very recently, there was this certainty, this oft regaled story of being overextended, coupled with the feeling of being exhausted. This thought was believed: “There isn’t enough time in the day, or enough energy, to do what needs to be done. One person can only do so much.” Now, it’s the seeing that there are things to be done. Some get done. Some don’t. My barely perceptible jaw drops at the simplicity of that realization, and the flood of relaxation and rejuvenation that follows. There is no such thing as “too much.” And any sense of personal agency is an error of perception.

Another amazing, and recent discovery is that annoyance is a totally unnecessary precursor to a movement away. When the word “choice” is replaced by “movement,” annoyance becomes an add-on to any experience. Try this on: people are neither inherently annoying or engaging, there is simply movement towards or away from, with seemingly no one choosing the flow, like colorful tropical fish swimming around the tank. Annoyance can still happen, but it’s now seen as an elective response.

And as a bonus, look to see if there is a command anywhere, in any thought, that says “follow me,” or “believe this.” Thoughts about ourselves, the situation, or the world, do not come with a mandate to be believed. If thoughts were trains coming and going through a station, let it be seen that there is no conductor shouting out “all aboard!” Not even thoughts about non duality, or shoulds, or declarations of love, or those pesky ones that tell us what is wrong with us, have a seal of approval stamped upon them, insuring their authenticity and reliability. They needn’t be the gold standard by which we live our lives.

So essentially, there is this overall sensation of being a relaxed, content, human being that alternately engages in movement and rest; adjectives optional. There’s very little conflict or tension, but both are allowed. The thing is, there is a sense of fun, of play, relief (!), and joy, in all of this. What am I missing? Oh, yeah—this kind of talk can be seriously annoying.

To whom is this all happening, or where is this experience occurring right now? Ha! That’s the kicker. Try and find me.

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The Compulsion Inquiry~Self as Contraction, Manifesting as Compulsion

Over at Living Realization, we’ve been working on a new form of inquiry specifically designed to address addiction and compulsive behavior. It’s called the Compulsion Inquiry (CI). Scott Kiloby’s book on addiction, Natural Rest, will be out in a few months, and all is revealed expertly there, so without going into a lengthy description here, there is an aspect that is of particular interest in regard to the unfindable self.

In brief, first we look for the command to use, or engage in the compulsive behavior, in images, words, and bodily sensations. For instance, the image of a cigarette, or even the cigarette itself—Where is there a command to smoke in either the image or even the cigarette in your hand? We go through all possible associations with the behavior, even looking at a clock, the place where the behavior occurs, and other triggers, like smoking with a morning cup of coffee. No command can be found anywhere.

Then it can be seen that when an urge or a craving arises, there is an almost fleeting, flash image of the act itself, like a “ghost image” of the activity already happening. When this image is seen, really looked at, prior to using, the craving miraculously seems to disappear, or is simply forgotten.

In addition to looking for the command, it is usually the case that when someone attempts to curb any form of compulsive behavior or addiction, there is often a period of abstention that is achieved, in part, by a subtle but often unconscious agreement made to use or engage in the behavior in the future. There is usually an image of the behavior—we actually see ourselves doing it—but more importantly, there is also a physical sensation that is associated with this promise we make to ourselves. It is similar to a barely noticeable relaxation that happens when, for instance, we have come to a decision about something. For most, the discovery of this point of relaxation is a discovery of the sweetest peace imaginable. This is not a fleeting experience engendered by a substance or activity, this peace. This relaxation response is the natural state, hence the title, Natural Rest. It is the complete allowance, complete agreement with what is experienced physically, and this allowance, this rest, is not dependent upon anything external—no substance, no activity required—nor is it something to seek for in the future. It’s right here, right now, always. It is the experience of the end of seeking.

“…feelings and good times are temporary energies. They arise and fall, providing no ultimate or final relief. This question is asking what you’re ultimately seeking from the thing. This requires you to look a little deeper. Beyond the experience of temporary energies such as pleasure, something else happens when you attain what you’re seeking: The seeking energy relaxes for a moment. As that energy dies, presence reveals itself naturally. Present rest is synonymous with peace and contentment.” ~ Scott Kiloby, Natural Rest

The point of relaxation reveals that the self is often felt as a barely perceptible bodily contraction. People can have the clearest seeing of no self, of oneness, yet this contraction remains or recurs, albeit slightly to barely detectable. Thus, there can be great clarity, but forms of compulsion persist.

“…there is a core type of grasping…it is our most rudimentary sense of self…It is that grasping and contracting around which all the other senses of self are constructed…awakening is the sudden releasing of this grasping in the gut. There’s no guarantee that the grasping will stay released; it may grab hold again.” ~ Adyashanti

“The body is a warehouse in which all our hurts, rejections, failures, fears and resentments are stored, long after thinking has forgotten them…It is these layers of tension and contraction that obscure the natural transparency and openness of the body and give the impression that a separate, inside self is in residence…These may be dormant much of the time but may also be triggered for irrational reasons at unexpected times, and betray in us, over and over again, the residues of a separate inside self.” Rupert Spira

Thus far, in our limited trials using the CI, feedback seems to indicate that this innate physiological grasping is at the root of compulsive behavior. The unconscious grasp within produces grasping, seeking without. Beyond the implications of reducing, if not completely eradicating compulsive and addictive behavior, it has been reported and experienced as an overall diminishment of this sense of a separate self. With the relaxation of this contraction, overall compulsion and the sense of separation relax as well.

Addiction then, could be viewed as a significant portal not only to the recognition of the residual self that remains (in theory), as well as the dissolution of both the behavior, and the root of its persistence. The Compulsion Inquiry is a radical approach to recovery. The good news is, the impact of this work goes far beyond the curbing of addiction and release from compulsive behaviors. It potentially reveals, and subsequently undermines, the sense of separation at its core.

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Staying With Subtlety

Let what comes come;
Let what goes go.
Find out what remains

~Ramana Maharshi

 Allow the next thought or the next feeling arise…then watch it fall away…add nothing to what is left in that quiet space. That subtle nothingness, the stillness and silence that follows the falling away of thought is a very powerful place to be. Linger there awhile.

It is so obvious when seen, but so subtle that we simply overlook it. Feelings and thoughts trump what is present without fanfare in an almost unconscious instantaneous dismissal. That? That’s nothing. Nothing is happening there. Look again. What is that? Can you stay there, in love and curiosity, long enough to find out?

It is only “nothing” to the mind. Experience that, rather than try to think about it, name it, or describe it. It is intimately familiar, yet totally foreign in the land of my thoughts and my feelings.

If we overlook this experience in favor of intense feelings and juicy thoughts, we spend a lifetime in bondage to those feelings and thoughts, believing they tell us who we really are. That expansive bliss; that gut-wrenching grief–that is mine. That is me.

Is it? Do not those experiences come and go? What remains between thoughts and feelings? Our identity is firmly maintained by memories (images), thoughts (words), and feelings (sensations). The point of these inquiries is to deconstruct those three elements, and ultimately see that they don’t hold together; they really don’t add up to a “me.”

We are literally addicted to our thoughts and our feelings. Are you willing to let go of the need to think about your experience? Thoughts come up. Must they be believed? Are you willing to rest for a moment without the next emotional fix? Feelings arise. Must we attempt to dwell in the “good” ones, or avoid, and even revel, in the “bad” ones? There is an untapped gold mine in that place (wherever “that place” is, whatever you want to call it), revealing a richness far beyond the gem of a thought that must be believed, or the feeling that thrills for a moment.

Give attention to that subtle instant like you would to a shy child in a noisy world. It is a doorway to an immensity that takes you far beyond the need for emotional or mental fireworks of any kind. Feels like…Home.

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Nobody Wants to Wake Up

 In nondual speak this could mean, to some, that well, yeah, there is nobody here to wake up. Even the term “wake up” is under suspicion. But beyond that nobody-home assumption is the empirical observation that truly, most just want a better life, or what A Course in Miracles refers to as a “better dream.” Cool story, Bro.

A better dream is still a dream. And in that dream, there is still a separate individual who is prone to death, loss, loneliness, and poverty, mixed in with occasional bouts of happiness, and even bliss. It’s the intermittent reinforcement of such bouts of bliss that keep the dream alive and the dreamer curled up, bedcovers pulled over her head, in an effort to shut out the light of day.

When the bliss or the peace of mind fades, seeking for the next hit begins in earnest again, and again. The inquiries can be used to get high, as in that belly laugh that often accompanies the experience of no-self, or the extremely pleasurable sense of relief that comes from not finding the never-enough persona that has been carried around like a ball and chain for decades.

Or, like a woman in an abusive relationship (the one who stays beyond all reasonable definitions of what love is), it can be seen that the infrequent moments of pleasure and comfort are not worth the inevitable pain that follows stingy allotments of affection.

There is nobody here that wakes up. But it sure seems like there are a lot of somebodys out there scrambling for the next better experience. The inquiries can be used to feel good for awhile, or as a way to step off the wheel for good. When hell becomes the occasional glimpse of heaven, refuse to settle for small favors. Go the distance; beyond nightmares and worldly dreams. Seek no more for the temporary pleasures of this world.

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Just Live. Taste, Enjoy.

Pointers are of limited value. The word “process” is misleading. This is all there is. Seriously. Just this.

Reflections on choice, or free will, can get all tied up in knots. Drop the question, and what’s left? Just this, just what is happening. Then it becomes a matter of acceptance or resistance. Is that a choice? I don’t know. But it can be investigated. Is there resistance to what is, or acceptance? Resistance or acceptance is simply what is arising in the moment. Maybe all that can be done is to look, to check it out for yourself. Who is living this life, your so-called life?

If there is suffering, then maybe this question has yet to be thoroughly explored. There is no answer. That’s the delightful surprise. Answers are for the mind, and the mind cannot get to the root of this. It can only take you so far, and then FAIL. There is only this and the possibility of enjoying it or objecting to it in some way. The etymology of the word “choice” is “to taste, to try.” It is from the same base as “gusto.”

Look and see if there is anyone there to resist or to accept whatever is happening. If suffering is happening, does it belong to anybody? If joy is happening, is it possible that the “me” who would suffer can’t make a claim either way? What a relief! Taste it, try it. Mucho gusto.

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The Unfindable Inquiry ~ What’s it good for?

If any of the following “complaints” have a familiar ring, we can look for the one who thinks they’re a problem.

  • I never have enough money to do what I want.
  • I can’t believe he/she lied to me.
  • Why didn’t anyone like my Facebook status?
  • God, I’m fat.
  • He/She never called me back.
  • I’m a total failure.
  • She/He didn’t even notice me.
  • Why are you always late?
  • He/She would never love me.
  • I’m feeling pretty hopeless/helpless.
  • My boss is an overbearing tyrant.
  • There’s something wrong with me.
  • I did all this for you, and you didn’t even say “thank you.”
  • I feel left out, excluded.
  • I made such an ass out myself; I’ll never live that one down.
  • Stupid people really bother me.

Wherever there’s a complaint, there is an identity being triggered. Add your own to the list. What is the biggest, or the most recent, source of dissatisfaction? Even the smallest disagreements with life as it shows up can be symptoms of a general malaise, reflections of disapproval projected out there, because it’s easier than looking towards the source.  A whine or a low moan might go deeper than you think. If you could get to the root of even a single complaint, you’d see them all for the ineffectual strategies they really are, and you could begin to feel yourself breaking free. Imagine that. No complaints.

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No Mud, No Lotus

I posted the quote below in Facebook today, in part, as a caution against running away from life, from one’s “self,” from suffering. In the inquiries, we seek not to avoid or resist anything. No self doesn’t mean “I’m outta here, out of this.” It’s not a way to hide from or avoid life. Many forms of seeking are actually an attempt to evade experience, ironically to deny who we really are, and further, to bypass the grittiness of life itself. Seeking essentially means that we are looking elsewhere for more of the juicy and less of the stench. It’s all right here where you are. Get your hands dirty and your feet wet. Jump in.

Take the fullness and the emptiness experienced and bring it back to the marketplace. Let the emptiness open up the infinite possibility inherent in any apparent other, any circumstance, because you can no longer judge either. Let the fullness enhance your senses, so that everything and everyone is imbued with exquisite beauty.

There is nothing to gain, and nothing to lose for “me,” for “you.” So the good news is you really can’t be hurt (there is no one there to be hurt). Curiously, what you might have hoped to gain is what you end up giving back (to give and to receive are the same in this oneness). There is no bad news.

There can be a tendency, if not the veiled intent, to transcend the world, and all its misery, along this “spiritual journey.” This is a radical form of resistance. The etymology of “resist” means to stand in opposition.

Acceptance is the antidote. The origin of the word “accept” is from the same derivation as capacity, or to be large enough to hold. Can you be large enough to hold the bitter and the sweet? Or is opposition to what is the source of misery?

“To be in the world, but not of it” is not a way out. God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son…You are the God and the Son and the world. Be in the world. Go towards all you wish to escape. Let courage (of the heart) be the path.

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The Deficient Self – Never Enough

“Somewhere along the way through life, often in our early years, we begin to believe a lie about who we really are…I call that lie the ‘core deficient self’…These core stories lie dormant within us during times when life seems to flow smoothly. Like a fearful snake coiled up and waiting to defend itself, the story and the emotional wound come screaming to the surface when the right buttons are pushed by others. This leaves us spiraling into self-judgment and doubt. It’s fight or flight, all the way. We either attack and defend or run and hide.” ~ Scott Kiloby

“Once the notion of separation was believed in, we spent a lifetime trying to solidify this imagined notion through believing in the mind’s self-created concepts (‘I am not good enough,’ ‘I am not____, etc.). It is all a fraud, because it is all talking in terms of a defective, isolated and separate self, which we have taken as true.” ~ John Wheeler

Empirically, it can be observed that the self can be seen through, truly not found anywhere, yet suffering still arises, apparently in conjunction with conditioning. So while it makes sense to just try to find the self, and be done with the whole matter—get to the root of the “problem,” so to speak—there is an energetic component to this conditioning that resides in the body, that seeks to be released as part of the total freedom package. Freedom from identification with anything, with any lingering feeling of division, leads to freedom from seeking and suffering. This is why the inquiry is directed, in most cases, towards finding the deficient self, which is any idea of unloveability, unworthiness, or any perceived sense of lack. Because it is inherently fake, the deficient self can never be enough.

Ultimately, this can lead to seeing that there really isn’t even any original core wound. It is simply the label, in whatever form it has arisen, given to the primary, original experience of separation. Nothing was really wounded, or even touched by any life experience. But feelings, memories, and thoughts—the conditioning of a lifetime—can lead one to believe otherwise, and to manifest that belief through relationships, and any and all life circumstances.

The self tends toward deficiency because it is a total fabrication, an Impostor. It is then maintained by an underlying belief in, and subsequently a protective veiling of, that fundamental deficiency story. It is a blind spot in awareness. It is why we seek for love and acceptance in all the wrong places, but do not ever find.

The experience of being a phony, looking into that vague suspicion of inauthenticity, is a wide-open door to freedom, to that which is authentic and truly real.